I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
