the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
