i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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