So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
