the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
