Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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