i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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