in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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