he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
