i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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