I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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