now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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