For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
