Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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