Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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