remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
