Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
