Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Alive.
So much puke
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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