Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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