Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
