i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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