I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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