She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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