My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
