So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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