I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
