She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
