woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
