Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
