so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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