i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
