a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
two words: eviction party
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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