Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
