i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
