I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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