Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
