peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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