I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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