How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
