Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
