Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
