woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
