My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
