This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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