i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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