I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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