He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
