i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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