If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
