I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
