I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
