My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
