Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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