the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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