Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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