Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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