Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
