I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
